About your Search

20130318
20130326
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)
obama says aloha to israel. and my guest james franco is the star of the new movie "oz, the great and powerful." i'll nail him, and his little dog, too. [laughter] queen elizabeth has been released from the hospital for what they say is a stomach bug. either that, or there's another royal baby on the way! this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] right here. right there. good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting, "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you so. ladies and gentlemen, we've got to get to the news. [cheers and applause] nation, if you haven't heard-- i know my studio audience hasn't because we keep them in a hyperbaric chamber before the show-- there are two huge, breaking stories tonight. first hugo chavez venezuelan strongman and friend of the show is dead. repeat. hugo chavez is dead. [audience reacts] >> stephen: i know. obviously this leaves a huge hole in south american politics and an even
is president obama's longtime speechwriter csm we nail him? yes, we can. girls gone wild has filed for bankruptcy. maybe those girls should have gone business school. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music pl captioning sponsored 1# comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. when you chant my name like that, you make me feel one toke over the line. [ laughter ] the top story tonight has to be the dramatic news coming from the world's most powerful religious leader pat robertson. [ laughter ] you know, in a world full of war and poverty and moral decay, pat is willing to confirm the eternal questions. on monday he did it again. >> this is kerry who says i buy a lot of clothes and other items at goodwill and other secondhand shops. my mom told me i needed to pray over the items, bind familiarÑi spirits anpiÑiçó bless the items before i come into the house. can demons attach themselves to material items. >> can demonic experien
not with a bang, but with a light snack. [laughter] nation, four years ago-- thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the new york stock exchange bottomed out at less than 6500. but today-- no thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the dow is back! >> a history-making day on wall street. >> the dow industrials as well as the s&p 500 closed at their highest point in five years. the dow ended just under 14,036. >> stephen: 14,036. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, 14,036 do you units. downtons? i don't have to tell you what that means. do i? [laughter] i don't, good. and america has got a lot to show for all that dow-ing. >> one way to look at the stock market is as a giant, wealth-creation machine, and it has just created a lot of wealth. we are now officially at the country's all-time peak of millionaires and billionaires. >> stephen: yes, we are at peak billionaire. [laughter] partly due to tax policies that favor the billionaire super rich, and partly due to cloning themselves for spare parts. lax la. [laughter] and now that we ultra-loaded are so numerous again, i'm gonna give the mone
on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may have taken money from an organization called "friends of hamas." friends of hamas! that's serious! being friends with a muslim terrorist is a big commitment. you've got to be a groomsman in all four of their weddings. i mean, the suicide vest rentals alone! [laughter] folks, this bombshell lit up the conserv-osphere. >> let me bring up
gitmo closed, including president obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. it's the radio shack of the war on terror. [laughter] if you follow the news closely, you are probably unaware that gitmo is currently hosting the trial of 9-11 mastermind khalid sheik mohammed. for godsake, khalid, you're appearing in court-- comb your shoulders! [laughter] now one reason you may not have heard about it is that not the easiest trial to cover. first, because it's not really a trial. it's a one-of-a-kind military tribunal designed by president bush, implemented by president obama, and inspired by president kafka. [laughter] see, reporters are not allowed in the courtroom. they have to watch the trial from behind soundproofed glass and hear the proceedings on a 40-second delay. and to protect national security, the judge or a security officer in the courtroom can hit a mute button which shuts off the audio to the reporters and indicates this by making a red light on the judge's bench spin. the red light also indicates that all dress shirts and men's slacks are 20% off. but on january
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)